When money -centered disagreements arise between loved ones, pay attention to “relational challenges disguising themselves as challenges of money”, explains Katie Gatti Tassin, author of Rich Girl Nation: Take charge of our financial future.
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Dear Kit of Life is the column of NPR advice, where experts answer delicate questions about relationships, social label, work culture and more.
Do you have a question you want to ask a cart of life anonymously? Share it here. For our next episode, we are looking for your questions about doubt and decision -making in relationships.
These questions were answered by Wendy de la RosaA behavior scientist and assistant professor of Wharton School marketing at the University of Pennsylvania, and Katie Gatti Tassin, host of Money with Katie Show and author of the book Rich girls nation. The conversation has been modified for duration and clarity.
Dear Kit of Life,
I am an aunt of 18 nieces and nephews. My sisters say that it is unfair that I only buy gifts for some of them. I’m going financially, but gifts for 18 nieces and nephews add up. I have no solid links with all my brothers and sisters, and it’s the same with my nieces and my nephews, most of whom are adolescents. – Mutual investment required
Gatti Tassin: I guess they are birthday gifts, but there are also the holidays. So, theoretically, if everyone gets a gift, it’s 36 gifts per year. I think it’s unreasonable.
It is natural in large families to have closer relationships with some people than others. There are other ways to recognize someone or vacation’s birthday without feeling like you need to pay money. Maybe he sends a birthday card.
De la Rosa: Money is just a symptom of the basic problem, which is someone who requires proximity and connection. Your brothers and sisters say, “Hey, I want you to love my children in the same way as you like children of our other brothers and sisters. How can we get closer?”
I would ask the letter editor to think about her values. How do you want these children to feel? Do you want to be an important part of their lives? If the answer is yes, think of the creative ways you may appear for your nieces and nephews that do not leave you in financial ruins.
Can you organize a family gathering where you can give all the children a brilliant memory? It would go so far.
Gatti Tassin: Questions like these are often relational challenges disguising themselves as challenges of money.
Dear Kit of Life,
My dear friend recently received a diagnosis of stadium cancer 4 to 35 years. We have been close friends for years. She and her spouse are underemployed and not insured. The cost of treatment is its greatest stress and the systems to help it move more slowly than rapid cancer.
I am frustrated by my friend not to have insurance, but I am also grateful to be in a financial situation to help him. I try to decide how much money to give him, but when I try to measure my friend’s life against my daily comfort and my future plans for my savings, I have the impression of putting a price on her life. How to decide what part of my savings to keep for me and how much to offer my friend? – Budgeting for the best friend
Gatti Tassin: It is unfair that you all cross this, and it is unfair that our decision -makers have put people able to have these types of compromise when someone’s life is at stake.
Without insurance, a diagnosis of stadium cancer in the United States will probably be hundreds of thousands, or even millions of dollars in extreme cases, to treat the pocket. So, unless it is the level of financial stability with which you are dealing, it will most likely have to find another solution.
De la Rosa: I have a very close friend who faces a diagnosis of cancer, and after going through this for a year now, I would say that one of the most impactful things you can do is understand how to bring joy in the life of your friend.
Think about how to spend money in a way that could bring comfort. Can you create a memorable experience for her before having to go through another series of chemo? This is where I would channel attention.
Gatti Tassin: The other thing I would add is that navigation in the American health care system can look like a full -time job. When you have a major health event, have someone who can play this role as “medical secretary” for you and help you stay up to date can be a boon.
If your friend has not yet tried to go on Medicaid, I think it’s a path to follow. It is a practical way to help him, and it could end up having a big financial impact.
It could also give it a certain tranquility of mind that things do not slip through the meshes of the net and that it does not cross this process alone.
Dear Kit of Life,
I am at the end of the twenty and I always live with my parents. I have a full -time job and finally reprimanded enough money to move.
My parents are terrible with money. They make my salary six times, but constantly win their accounts. They always talk to me as if I am 16, but they ask me to bail them out, which I have done several times. Now they try to make me feel guilty to stay instead of finally getting my own place. What should I do? – Desperate to depart
De la Rosa: Think of things you can do (financially for your parents) that enter your limits. This could mean covering the electricity or mobile phone bill. This is a way of saying “I don’t leave you. I care about you. I am so grateful for everything you have done. But it’s time for me to move, and I can help you in this way.”
Gatti Tassin: You mentioned that they earn much more money than you. I am curious, is this a problem of financial literacy? If this is the case, maybe you hire someone to help teach them to manage their money.
De la Rosa: While you prepare to have this conversation with your parents, be solidified in that your parents present themselves, it is not your responsibility. Our parents’ mistakes are not our mistakes.
Maybe the conversation will go very well. Maybe this is not the case. As long as you feel like you are doing something that is important to you and try to present yourself with a place of love, so it’s okay.
The episode of the podcast was produced by Andee Tagle. Digital history has been published by Malaka Gharib. The visual editor is Beck Harlan. We would be delighted to hear you. Leave us a vocal messaging at 202-216-9823, or send us an email to lifekit@npr.org.
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